Today, I had an audition. As I left I checked my phone to see that I had received an email from a company saying:
“I am sorry to inform you that on this occasion you have not been selected to continue onto the shortlisted stage of the application process for the project.”
That was another no. I’ll hear back from the audition today within a week. I have another audition next week. It’s a cycle and there’s not always time to process it because the audition process is constantly in flow. Trying. Rejection. Trying again. Rejection again. Trying again. Rejection again.
It’s tough, self worth plummets and it can feel so inhumane and uncomfortably emotional at times. It’s self-obsessive, you start to wonder if you need to change to be wanted. How do we build ourselves back up when we are continuously knocked down?
Your brain runs in overdrive thinking, ‘I am not good enough. I am not worthy. I am not employable. I am not a dancer people want. I am not going to be successful. I should give up.’ It’s heavy; it can be really, really heavy.
I’m on the train home, tired after a day of traveling and dancing, and I feel deflated. Anxious for what’s to come, yearning for some stability in my future, reassurance within myself that it will actually be okay and a desire for myself to stand by my morals and values.
It feels as though we are all stuck in this fog of auditions. We have to keep moving though that fog even though the deeper we get the more suffocating it can feel.
Right now this feels like the most important moment in our career and that if we don’t have something by the end of all of this then we are nothing. But in a few years we will look back and sympathize with our younger self. As we are so far in this fog that we don’t believe there is more to our careers than these few months of auditions.
We need to keep driving, no matter how hard it is and we will all keep driving because we hold a passion for this. Whatever exactly this is, we all have our own version of this that we should respect and value. Even if some days we don’t love it and it makes us feel worthless deep down we care for it or we would have given up by now.
Our opportunity will arrive; in time if we keep working and trusting in ourselves then something truly right for us will come along, I hope.
Right now I don’t think I really believe any of what I’m saying as I myself am also standing within the thick of the fog. But this is what I have been saying to my friends and peers so I need to stand by my word and say it to myself too.